The midlife male friendship is in crisis. Pundits, sociologists, and people at dinner parties all seem to agree on this point. We as a society take it as a given that men today are falling deeper and deeper into isolation as they age—with negative ramifications for their own health and those around them. But perhaps the assertion should be reframed as a question: Is the midlife male friendship in crisis?

Do a search on the topic and you’ll find headlines like “Male Friendships are not doing the job!” Or “Men are losing their friends, and it could be killing them.” Receiving those messages repeatedly could make a guy feel sad and lonely about his life. Better yet, it could become a wakeup call to chart a new awakening.

According to the Institute for Family Studies, men have far less experience communicating openly about feelings, expectations, and needs. Women tend to develop these skills through their friends, something that men just haven’t been conditioned to do in the same way. While that’s probably true (spoiler alert: think of your wives, girlfriends, sisters and mothers and how they socialize), men may be getting a bad rap here.

Although there are some truths to the challenges of creating new or deeper male friendships, especially as one gets to forty or older, there’s a new breed of male who understands the importance of forming meaningful bonds with other men.

In our late teens and twenties, most guys connect with each other over sports, nights out drinking, or playing cards or pool. Activities build camaraderie and shared experience. Our friends become our posse, and they are there for us as we establish careers, find relationships, and think about starting a family.

Christian Duerr, a German born entrepreneur, admits that he did not make a huge effort to maintain many friendships from his younger years. Nevertheless, he says his three best male friends are all guys he knew in his youth. “One of my best friends today is someone I met when I was twelve. He is like a brother to me. I can discuss anything with him,” says Duerr. He adds, “Although I can never put my three best friends in the same room together as they are all so different and wouldn’t get along, they are all important to me.”

Duerr is now a divorced father of two who’s in a new relationship. And he admits that, at sixty, he hasn’t made many new friends in his adult life. But he is open to finding other guys to bond with who share his ethics, values, and interests, especially now that he lives in New York and his close friends are in Europe.

The prevailing thinking is that many men don’t go beneath the surface and grow with other men as they gain in years. Rarely will guys sit around and talk about their issues with, say, erectile dysfunction or feelings of inadequacy about their jobs. The American male has been taught to be independent, self-sufficient, and stoic as opposed to vulnerable or insecure.

Our ability to open up to other men also has a lot to do with our family upbringing, along with social, cultural, religious and ethnic environments that influence us. American men do tend to build armor around themselves. But many are coming to the realization that it is not good for their overall mental well-being.

It doesn’t help that movies and series often depict men and their friends as “bros” doing stupid stuff together, or else are out saving the world in a macho way. Fortunately, there are some films over the years that have let men be vulnerable with each other, including Good Will Hunting, The Shawshank Redemption, and Brian’s Song to name a few.

Matt Damon (left) and Ben Affleck shared the 1998 Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay for Good Will Hunting, a movie that shows men opening up about their feelings.

Ask men in their forties and fifties if they have any new guy friends and many will tell you that they only meet other men through the social lives that their wives or partners create. Or maybe they get to know fathers on their kids’ sports teams. Or they’re friendly with men at work as they are building their careers.

But many of these relationships only work on the surface with no real emotional depth to them, and they tend to disappear as the kids grow up or careers begin to wind down.

“I just think men prefer to have fun and keep things light,” Kevin O’Malley, says a former hedge fund manager. In his view, it’s not the same closeness that women have with female friends. “If heavier subjects come up, men are there for support and advice, but it is far different than women, who are actively involved in nearly every decision in each other’s lives.”

As men get into their fifties and beyond, they often have fewer and fewer male friends, which can lead to social isolation, loneliness, and depression, especially as we are all living much longer lives.

Ann Shoket, CEO of TheLi.st did a study with the boutique ad agency Berlin Cameron and the research and strategy firm BSG that revealed that 44 percent of men in corporate jobs say that “being at work” is the loneliest time of the day, and that they are significantly less likely than women to turn to friends for support when they are facing challenges at work.

According to Pew Research, 27 percent of men between fifty and sixty-four are currently single, while 21 percent aged sixty-five and over are single. With life expectancies approaching eighty, many men may not recouple again, amplifying the importance of friendships and community. But it’s the same for married men.

I see it in my own family. My father had several good male friends when we were growing up, all of them related to his work. When he retired, those friendships went away. I can’t think of one male friend that he has today. He relies on his wife for most of his social interaction.

It’s the same with my brother Matt. A father of three grown sons, it is his wife Debbie that creates their social life.

When I texted my brother Joe to ask him about his male friends, I got a text back that said, “I have no friends.” At sixty and single, his response isn’t that unusual. Although he later said that he has six good friends on speed dial. When I asked him how often he sees them, his response was “almost never.”

I’ve been a bit more intentional about cultivating new male friends in midlife—especially those with shared interests such as fellow marathoner, Keith, and hiker, Marty. We didn’t meet each other until I was in my fifties. In 2023, the three of us did the nine-day hike to the Everest Base Camp and ran the Tenzing Hillary Everest marathon down.

At times, we were exhausted and sick but turned to each other for emotional support, and we opened up in ways that wouldn’t happen on a night out at dinner. This experience led to deep conversations about our lives, our fears, our hopes, dreams and mortality. We are bonded for life and know we can let our guards down with each other, regardless of the issue.

Craig Shirley is a sixty-one-year-old former CEO of a Semiconductor Services company in Silicon Valley. Married with 3 kids, when his company was sold, he decided that he was done with working an everyday job.

“The first project I took on after retiring involved working for four months under my staircase to rewire and label the data cables in my home. I love working in isolation; however, I noticed my mental health would suffer if my wife didn’t manage social events for us,” he said.

When Shirley realized that he had no real male friends, he decided to focus on how he could change that. An avid motorcyclist, he focused on finding a group that he could share this passion with. He also stepped into golf, a sport that he never played.

“I wasn’t that guy who played sports in school, so I decided to push myself in that direction, even though it was a bit scary,” he says, acknowledging that his golf game has a long way to go.

But Shirley decided to do something else. Rather than just keep it all on the surface, he says that he now overshares with other guys that he meets. “I told another golfer that I was fearful about taking on this new sport at this point in my life. It opened us up to a whole different level of friendship,” he says.

How can men in midlife learn to break through old habits of how they are supposed to interact with each other and bond in deeper ways? Often it happens through tragedy, illness or dangerous situations like war.

When my friend Steve was devastated by the breakup of his marriage at fifty, it forced him to reach out for the support that he needed. He cried in my arms about his loss, and we ended up having some of the deepest conversations about love, loss, sadness and what was important in life.

Shirley explained that when one of his male friends who was diagnosed with cancer told him that he loved him, it compelled Shirley to tell him that he loved him too. It was a compassionate, honest human response that deepened their bond.

Sean Galla, who describes himself as Founder and Facilitator has built a business called MENSGROUP, an online community for men that has dedicated support groups for men going through a divorce, how to deal with cheating and infidelity, porn addiction, and more. With over 200 meetings a month, men can choose what is most relevant for them.

“We’ve worked with thousands of guys and 92 percent of them have told us that they don’t have any friends to talk to,” says Galla, adding that, “Guys have not been shown how to come together to work on their personal issues.”

Galla’s groups are mostly thirty-five to sixty-year-olds and have rules of confidentiality so that men can learn how to be vulnerable with each other. “The number one fear for most men is to appear weak,” says Galla.

There are other men’s groups that have their own approach, including Secret Sons, ManKind Project and Evryman. All of them are there to help men connect with each other and form lasting friendships.

Todd Davis, fifty-nine, a successful real estate broker in Laguna Beach and surroundings and co-owner of a high-end vacation rental company in Santa Fe met his five best friends when he was forty-five or older.

Davis says that Chris, his male partner of thirty seven years, is his absolute best friend. The others he met through his work, and they’re both straight and gay. He says that there is no real difference in what he talks about with each of them.

A study cited in a Psychology Today article called “Can Gay and Straight Men Really Be Friends?” concluded that “bromosexual” friendships are thriving. In a survey of 350 straight men and 275 gay or bisexual men, the vast majority indicated that they had at least one friend who had a different sexual orientation.

Many of the straight men reported having more emotionally vulnerable conversations with their gay friend, because they felt safer to do so.

Some people assert that male friendships are becoming deeper and less bro-like. A lot of that has to do with fathers and uncles, teachers, coaches, and older men who set an example, as well as media depictions that send the signal that it is okay to turn to a male friend for help.

My nephew Andy, a former marine who did two deployments in Iraq and fought in the streets of Fallujah, is a great example of a father who is setting a new tone. He hugs his sons and tells them that he loves them and lets them know that it’s okay to be sensitive and open, along with being athletic and studious.

Duerr said that he tells his twenty-something year old son to nurture his friends and make the effort to grow together. Creating a new generation of men that value more than just going to a game together is not only healthy for men, but for their families and communities and society as a whole.

For those of us in midlife, showing other men and the younger men in our lives that we can create meaningful bonds with each other will lead to different kinds of stories in the future. A headline I’d like to see? “The era of new male friendship in midlife is here.”

We’re all on this journey together. It’ll be a lot more rewarding if we have more friends to share it with as we move ahead.