Voluntary Mindslaughter: How learning to “Just Sit” can get you through anything.

My legs seared as though someone was sitting behind me with a cattle prod repeatedly sending volts of electricity through my back. I imagined certainly my spine was compressing disks to a degree that I would never recover from and that at least if I could no longer walk I’d have a new process in which to deal with it.

Vipassana Meditation.

It is at this point where if you don’t meditate, if you think it’s hippy and “out there” and you think Venetia moved to the west coast and lost her mind — then you might stop reading. BUT. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you’re curious and you wonder why someone would go live like a nun for ten full days with over 140 hours of sitting meditation. With two meals a day, waking up at 4:30 am, no verbal or non- verbal communication, no exercise, reading, writing, music — nothing. Just you, your mind and your body.

I just returned from something called “Vipassana” — a chance to purify the mind and body in a ten day course. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. When I checked in they took my phone and car keys or I probably would have left multiple times. At one point I actually crossed my arms in my little solitary meditation cell and started to cry, turned into a pouty three year old and said, “I just absolutely won’t sit for another minute”. Luckily, one piece of advice had been given to me before I was sent off. A friend who had encouraged me to do the course for over two years told me, “I have one piece of advice”. At that time I didn’t have any idea of the difficulty that lay ahead and I sort of giggled and said, “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

He said, “No matter what. Just sit”.

I said. “Okay, okay” and went on my way.

But, in that moment of tantrum I heard his advice whisper to me and I didn’t leave the pillow. Instead, I accidentally fell asleep sitting up and woke up 40 minutes later with drool all over my neck (and more back pain). To say it was a low point is an understatement. But, as I wiped away the drool, I sat up and felt a teeny bit better. I closed my eyes, took a breath, and was able to get another 40 minutes of real concentration in. Therefore I realized that “Just Sit’ would have to be my mantra to get through this insanely hard experience, to stay on the pillow, and will now become my mantra for life.

I wasn’t the only one who had decided to go through with this. There were actually about 100 other people (50 men/50 women) who had also made the choice to come and learn a 2500 year old technique to quiet the mind, silence the mouth and learn compassion, love, acceptance and ultimately, happiness. People of all ages, however, most of them being 25–40. What had compelled me to be one of them?

Well, last year I left the job of everyone’s dreams to pursue my own only to learn in the same week that my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. My aunt, who is like a second mom to me, became my focus. Cooking, picking out wigs, chemo appointments and foot rubs became the important thing. Every moment became about trying to be with her. Every second with her became so precious.

Then, one day while sitting having tea after a chemo session I got a text that said, “My dad has been shot. Please pray”. It was from my best friend of 16 years. I was floored. Another text followed. “My dad died this morning”.

I called my best friend as my mind whirled, tears fell and fear filled my entire body. I’m pretty sure I was in shock. It still feels like a groggy nightmare in which every day I imagine it didn’t really happen. She isn’t really having to deal with that right now. The truth is — she is. Every moment of every day since then. Her father was taken from us by a senseless act of gun violence in front of her mother as they went for a morning hike. Both of our innocence in a way was stolen that day. I had never had something so violent happen to someone so close to me.

Needless to say, the past six months caused my mind and body a lot of stress. I wanted to try and be there for the people I loved over and over but didn’t exactly know how. Finally, as the new year was approaching I realized that this was to be life. These extreme ups and downs. I feel SO much it hurts sometimes and I feared for what lay ahead. I have been meditating lightly for two years, but realized perhaps the beginning of the new year would be a perfect chance to purify (whatever I thought that meant). At the very least, challenge the shit out of myself. Vipassana became a step in a direction to continue to stock my life toolbelt with knowledge on knowing myself a little deeper.

I should say that Vipassana works with all faiths. It’s more of a practice and not a religion. I should also clarify that there are hundreds of types of meditation. Heck, I’ll be honest I don’t know all that much and I was tempted not to write about it because Vipassana is a technique that specifically encourages, “It must be experienced” but heck, here I go.

What did I learn? I guess let’s begin with the mind. That brilliant cushy mushy thing in your skull.

Let’s be honest. Apparently, the mind can be a giant, non-stop talking wild elephant. A nonsensical, stream of conscious babbling nutso. We all listen to this elephant on a regular basis. We never turn her off. In fact, she runs our lives and sits in the driving seat of our body in front of a dashboard of buttons hitting them all erratically day after day. The buttons say, “Exhilaration”, “Worry”, “Fear”, “Happiness” etc. There are hundreds of buttons all either making us “want something” or “run away” from something. This back and forth runs our lives. Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s getting faster. Even though I only try and check social media a couple times a day, or less email, or more walking — none of it seemed to be slowing down my mind.

Well, I certainly haven’t mastered anything, but I am here to tell you I think I glimpsed at it. Like, looked through a little peephole for a second. In hundreds of hours of sitting, I felt a mere few hours of something “different”. Something, well, that had a semblance of peacefulness. Away from all my dreams and aspirations, fears etc. I felt my mind quiet and I had never felt that before. It was silent. It is what you feel and hear in that silence that can become transformational.

Those of you that know me know I am a very loud exuberant human being. So you could imagine that when I felt true silence I didn’t know what it was. It was a shock. My mind was just….well, doing nothing. I waited for thoughts to come…and they didn’t. I suddenly felt the strangest moment of calm. It had taken over 45 hours of sitting to just reach this one small moment.

Five minutes later my mind was back at it with every fear encroaching, a countdown of minutes to when this hell would be over and wondering what was for lunch, but in those few minutes I had felt a bit of peace! I should mention that everyone feels and experiences something different and there’s no way to explain what that is.

I’m also not going to try and explain how the Vipassana process works because it’s a little too complicated. All I can say is that it resonated with me and that it felt like a very reasonable practice. As in the techinique felt “within the laws of nature”. I wasn’t flying to the moon or anything like that. I was in my body and in my mind. Nowhere else.

What I am here to say is that anyone and everyone has universal worries and desires, and that we also all universally have the ability to feel a little bit more peaceful. I should also mention it can take a long and patient time. Nothing easy comes overnight, apparently. Or even after, say, ten nights. Nope. Still hard.

Unfortunately, so many people wouldn’t be open to this experience. When was the last time we were willing to gruelingly work harder than we knew was possible for something? Pushing our own boundaries? Doing what we didn’t want? Plus. Trust me. I get it. Ten days?! It IS hard. BUT, it’s two weekends and 7 days. It can be done. Plus, I mean, it’s rare that even ten days is significant enough for HUGE change, but again, everyone is at their own pace.

It’s amazing what comes out when we let go. That’s what I ended up doing. It happened on Day 7. I resigned to the fact that I would do it no matter what and that was just how it was going to be. I was filled with fierce determination to do everything in my power to master this technique best I could for three solid days. No, it didn’t get easier, but “Just Sit” got louder and more just “What I did” instead of “What I should do”.

While I was eating lunch one day I thought of my aunt. A memory became so clear to me — us being at a nice restaurant after college and my aunt and uncle visiting me in LA and her whispering, “Get whatever you want. Appetizer, dessert, whatever”. I know this sounds lame, but I was broke and this seemed like heaven. That’s how I’d explain her. Soft, beautiful, and always giving. The idea of her suffering made me burst into tears. I let myself cry. You are still allowed to cry. To feel. You just don’t hold on to the emotions. Let it out and then let it go. How many of us have cried about something only to let the entire day dissolve into hours of misery, chocolate cookies, projections of hurt onto others and sleeping away precious moments of our lives?

Days 7, 8, 9 and 10 had their complete ups and downs. I didn’t crack any codes, I didn’t become enlightened, and I didn’t necessarily feel like, “By God! I’ve GOT it”. On Day 10 though, and even today, what I DO feel — is nowhere but here. And so beyond happy to be here. Yesterday a man screamed at me because I parked too close to his car and I honestly just earnestly apologized. I didn’t get angry even though he frightened me. I just said, “I’m so sorry, I’ll move — and have a great day”. He calmed down.

It was in that moment I realized I had become a more patient person, if even for a couple of days. I’m going to continue to work on my mind because of this slightly calmer reaction. I surprised even myself ☺

Getting more control of my mind is just the means. The end result is different for everyone, but with hard work I think it can become feelings of appreciation, gratitude, love, patience and countless other things. Who doesn’t want to live a more calm, accepting and loving life? I know I strive to.

I realize that this practice takes work and I can’t wait to see what comes out. My hope is that we all get a chance to glimpse at this peace in whichever way we find works for each of us. Most of all, that the next time tragedy or success strikes, I’m going to look at the paper on my wall where I’ve scrawled, “Just Sit”. And I’ll do my very best not to get up.

If you’re curious about the Vipassana experience, here’s the website.